Good morning, my daughter.
Good morning, mama.
Well… I made it through Christmas and now we are on the eve of a new year. 2020… the year that kept giving. You came to me for a visit.
I know… I was there, but please, tell me.
I was home, but you know how it is in dreams, it is the same but different. Anyway, the front door opened and entered you did, with Jordan behind you carrying a black bag twice the size of a seabag. Your face bore a smile. I embraced you and said, “Oh, there you are…” which is what I say in each dream that finds you there. Your smiling face, so beautiful, you responded, “I just needed to get away.” Christmas Eve night it was when we again saw each other. I awoke Christmas Day with the reminder that you are no longer here.
But I am with you.
Yes, my sweet pea, I know you are with me, but it is not quite the same.
So, it got me thinking about 2020 and the way it started and all that has happened and what has not happened.
Would you like to tell me?
Yes. Would that be okay?
Absolutely, because although I was with you all along, I want you to tell me.
You know how people say it is time to move on?
Yes, it is rather irritating.
I agree. Moving on implies we leave the past behind and that is true, but for some things that happen in life, it is not moving on, it is moving forward.
You found yourself doing both this year, didn’t you?
Yes, I did.
Did it hurt?
Yes. Moving on… I moved on from some relationships that I learned were never going to be healthy and were never going to be based on love. It saddened and angered me, but I learned this year I can never change another person.
But you wanted to try, didn’t you?
Of course, because that is who I am, I guess.
I know mama, you tried with me, gave me everything your had and your whole heart, but you could not change my hurt. How are you doing with that?
It has been a journey… dark days, darker nights… worry for your brother, your dad, but I cannot change them. I cannot do anything for them other than love them and support them, but the road they choose it theirs alone. Then, my heart that will never be whole. Learning that a part of me will always be absent… not easy.
You are moving on then?
Never. With you, I am moving forward for your past is my past and I am never going to leave that, leave you behind. It made me who I am, you made me who I am, and I am moving forward with all of it: the joy; the happiness; the moments that became memories; the pain; the hurt; but most of all the love because you are love.
And the moving on?
I am moving on from empty relationships, you know the ones I mean.
And moving forward with you, and the relationships that are built on unconditional love. You know those too.
Time to move on from 2020 and move forward into 2021. I miss you, my girl.
We shall see each other again.
I know. Until then, you will move forward with me. I love you.
I love you more.
I love you the most.
I loved you first.